Sex exercitia ad sensum

Six exercises.

Frankl was a clinician. Peterson is a clinician. Neither thought reading was sufficient. The change happens when you put a pen on a page and tell yourself the truth, in your own handwriting, where no one will see it. Find a quiet hour. Begin.

Exercise i

The Responsibility Audit.

15 minutes · Pen and paper preferred

The first pillar — the freedom of will — is taken back the moment you stop blaming. But you cannot stop blaming until you see what you are blaming. Most men cannot see it. Their blame is so habitual it has become invisible to them, like a language they have always spoken.

This exercise makes the blame visible.

  1. Take a blank page. At the top, write: "What is wrong in my life right now?"
  2. List five things. Don't think too hard. Money, marriage, work, body, parents, kids, anything. Five things you would change if you could.
  3. For each one, write underneath it: "Whose fault is this, in the story I usually tell myself?" Be honest. Your wife. Your boss. Your father. The economy. God. Whoever your unconscious mind blames when no one is watching.
  4. Now write underneath that: "What is the part of this that is, in fact, mine?" Not all of it. There are real injustices in the world. But there is almost always a piece — a decision you made, a passivity you allowed, a conversation you avoided, a habit you tolerated — that belongs to you.
  5. Pick one. The one that costs you the most. The one you have been blaming the longest. Write one sentence: "This week I will take back this part of my life by doing _____."

The frame to keep in mind

"To accept responsibility is not to accept fault. It is to accept the helm. The two are different. Confusing them is what keeps you stuck."

Do not show this list to anyone. The blame becomes powerless the moment you have written it down and looked at it. The taking back begins the next day.

Exercise ii

The Eulogy.

25 minutes · Find quiet

You will die. That is not melodrama — it is one of two facts you can be certain of. Your funeral will happen. People will speak. The question is what they will be able to say truthfully.

This exercise asks you to write that. Not to be morbid. To be clarifying. The eulogy you would want is the eulogy of the man you are either becoming or running away from.

  1. Imagine you have lived a long, full life and died at the age you would like to die. Eighty. Ninety. A hundred.
  2. Imagine the one person who knew you best is standing at your funeral. Your wife. Your oldest friend. Your son. Your daughter. The person whose love for you survived your worst.
  3. Write the three-paragraph eulogy you want them to give. Not what they would give if they were being polite. The true one. What kind of man were you? What did you build? Who did you love? What did you stand for? What did you stop doing because it was beneath you?
  4. Read it back. Slowly.
  5. Now ask the cold question: am I building toward the man in this eulogy, or away from him?

The frame to keep in mind

"There are two ways to face death. One is with regret for what you did not do. The other is with peace at what you did. The choice between them is made now, today, in this hour, by what you do next."

If the answer to the cold question is "away from," that is not a tragedy. That is information. The next exercise is what you do with it.

Exercise iii

The Tragic Reframe.

20 minutes · For something specific

This exercise belongs to the third path — the attitudinal. It is for the unchangeable thing in your life. The illness. The death. The failure. The thing you cannot fix and that, in some hours, you cannot bear.

Frankl insisted, with the moral authority of a man who had lost his pregnant wife to a death camp, that meaning is available even here. Not despite the suffering. Through it. He called this tragic optimism — not the cheerful kind, not the kind that pretends the wound is not a wound, but the difficult kind that finds, inside the wound, a reason to remain a man.

  1. Name your unchangeable thing. Write it at the top of the page in one sentence. "The thing I cannot change is _____."
  2. Write underneath: "What this has cost me — be specific. What did I lose? What am I afraid I will lose?" Stay with this. Don't rush.
  3. Now the hard turn. Write: "What has this revealed in me — about my capacity, my values, the people I can rely on, what I now know matters that I didn't know mattered before?"
  4. Write: "Who, in my life or beyond it, has been through something like this and stood with dignity? What did their dignity look like?"
  5. Finally: "How am I being asked to stand, here, now, in front of this thing? What kind of man does this hour ask me to be?"

The frame to keep in mind

"The wound is real. The choice is what you make of being the man inside it. Frankl saw men make this choice in the camps. You can make it tonight."

This exercise does not heal the wound. Nothing does, fully. It does something different — it builds, slowly, over time, the man who can carry the wound without being destroyed by it. That man is your meaning.

Exercise iv

The Values Stack.

20 minutes · Calendar required

Most men can tell you what they value. Almost no man's life reflects what he values. The gap between the two is the source of much of his unhappiness, and he doesn't know it because the gap is invisible to him.

This exercise makes the gap visible.

  1. List the seven things you would say, if asked seriously, that you most value. Not what sounds good. The seven things that, if all were taken from you, you would be hollow. They might be people. Faith. Health. A craft. A child. A friendship. Honesty. Country. Don't list more than seven.
  2. Rank them. One through seven. This is hard. Do it anyway. There is one at the top. There is one at the bottom. Be honest with yourself.
  3. Now open your calendar from the last two weeks. Look at where your hours actually went. Not where you wish they went. Where they went.
  4. Rank the seven values again — but this time in order of where your time actually goes. Not what you say. What you do.
  5. Compare the two lists. The gap is the lie you have been telling yourself.

The frame to keep in mind

"You don't believe what you say. You believe what you do. If your time and your values disagree, your time is the truth and your values are the wish."

The reconciliation is not done in one day. But it is begun the moment you have looked at both columns and decided which one is going to bend toward the other. Most men, faced with this exercise, change their calendar more than they change their values. That is the right answer.

Exercise v

Future Authoring.

30 minutes · Borrowed, with credit, from Peterson

This exercise is adapted from Jordan Peterson's Self Authoring program, which itself was built on James Pennebaker's research on expressive writing and Gary Latham's research on goal-setting. The combined evidence is unusually strong: men who write a detailed account of their best plausible future, in detail, become measurably more productive, less anxious, and more directed.

Peterson's instinct — and it is correct — is that vague intentions don't change a life. Specific written futures do.

  1. Imagine yourself three years from today. Not the perfect version. The best plausible version — the version of you that emerges if you take your life moderately seriously, starting tonight.
  2. Write, in present tense, a description of what his life looks like. Where does he live? Who does he live with? What does the inside of his home look like? What does he do during the day? What is his body like? What is his health like? What is his mood when he wakes up?
  3. Now: what is he creating? Specifically. (Path I — creative.)
  4. Whom is he loving? Specifically. How does he show it? (Path II — experiential.)
  5. What is he carrying — what hardship, illness, loss — and how is he carrying it? (Path III — attitudinal.)
  6. Finally: what did he stop doing? What habits, friendships, behaviors did the man you are now have to leave behind for the man in three years to exist? Name them.

The frame to keep in mind

"The man you can plausibly become in three years is not a fantasy. He is a real human being who exists, conditionally, on the other side of a thousand small decisions — almost all of which begin tomorrow."

Save this writing. Read it once a month. Update it if it changes. Most men who do this exercise seriously, then keep returning to what they wrote, end up living some version of it. The page is the bridge.

Exercise vi

The Why Statement.

10 minutes · The destination of all the others

If you have done the first five exercises, this last one is short, because the answer is now somewhere inside what you wrote.

The why statement is one sentence. It begins with three words: "I am here to…" What follows is the meaning that pulls you forward, in your own words, brief enough to remember and concrete enough to act on.

  1. Re-read the eulogy you wrote. Re-read your future-authored description. Re-read the values stack.
  2. Look for the word that keeps coming up. The image that keeps returning. The person you keep mentioning. The thing you keep saying you want to build, give, protect, restore, raise, or stand for.
  3. Write one sentence beginning "I am here to…" followed by that thing. Eight to fifteen words. No more.
  4. Read it aloud. If it sounds like marketing copy, it is wrong. If it sounds like a thing a man would say in a quiet voice to one other person he trusts, it is right.
  5. Print it. Put it where you will see it. On the inside of your closet door. On the back of your phone. In your wallet.

The frame to keep in mind

"He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how." That sentence is the foundation of logotherapy. Yours is now under construction."

If your why changes — and it may, in five or ten or twenty years, as you build and lose and grow — write the new one. Old whys, like old houses, can be moved out of without disrespect. But you should always be living in one.

If you'd rather be guided, take the assessment.

Twelve questions across the three pillars and three paths. Same destination — your one-sentence why.

Begin the assessment →